As a father myself, I appreciate a day that acknowledges me and and my role as a male parent. It is very nice to be appreciated. However, I believe there is more to Father’s Day than funny cards, neck ties, argyle socks and a round of golf. Those things are great, but there is something more important that is usually overlooked. Father’s Day should be a time where all men do a little soul searching about what it means to be a father. We should be asking ourselves what influence do we have on our children – particularly our sons. What impact do we make in our families and in our communities?
I say “all men” should do this because these days, the role of the traditional father isn’t what it used to be. So often children are being raised in homes where the “father” isn’t engaged, involved, or sometimes even present. Therefore, the role of the ”father” gets passed on to any male role model willing to take it on. We must recognize that all men have a part in raising the children in their lives. Every interaction we have with a child is an opportunity to pass on a version of masculinity that is thoughtful, kind, generous, caring, loving and most importantly involved. It is also an opportunity to dispel the myth that men have to always be tough, strong, rugged, silent and uninvolved. If we do not do this, then traits such as compassion and empathy will continue to be thought of as feminine traits. This is damaging to men and boys because we all feel things like compassion but are forced to hide it out of fear. We are afraid that we will lose our social standing in the male community for expressing traits and qualities that have long been considered unmanly. We must recognize that these traits are not male or female, but human traits that all humans experience.
So my Father’s Day gift to all men is permission. I give you permission to be your authentic selves. I give you permission to explore your role as a father and to be all of the things you were meant to be to your child and to the other children in your life. I give you permission to reflect on what being a “father” is really all about and to change the things about yourself that need changing. Lastly, I give you permission to support other men in their efforts to be better male role models and to create gender equality.
Go right now to the place where you keep your spare change. Maybe its in a jar in your closet or in your bedside table drawer – wherever. Check in your couch cushions and under your car seats. Gather up all that change that is just sitting there collecting dust (not interest) and take it to your local bank or supermarket where they have a change counting machine. Dump it in. Count it up. Then go straight back home, get online, and make a donation to an organization that is working to create social change. It is that simple and believe me, those organizations need your money to be able to do what they do. Many of them are hurting for money and they are all doing great work. If you need some suggestions, take a look at the Recommendations page. There are some great ones there.
Sometimes a new “thing” comes along that causes a shift in our culture. I don’t mean in the way that electricity or cars or the internet changed us, but smaller things that might seem less important, but that help plot the course ahead. Often we don’t recognize these things in the moment. It is only in hindsight that we come to know these thing as cultural icons. One of those icons is the Apple iPhone.
The iPhone has taken the country by storm and is only just beginning to show signs of slowing down. There is a very good chance that you know at least 1 person with an iPhone…there is an even better chance that you know 7-8 people with an iPhone. At it’s peak, Apple was selling a whopping 20,000 iPhones every single day. Well over 4 million of them have been sold in all.
So you may ask yourself “what is so cool about an iPhone anyway???” Many users will tell you that their favorite part of owning one is the applications or “apps”. You can get apps that do just about anything you can imagine. Some are tools. Some are games. Some are novelties. Many are very useful. Some are just for fun. For example, take a look at the iBeer app:
Personally, I think that is kinda cool. I’d much rather have a real beer, but I can see why people think that app is cool and fun to have. Part of owning an iPhone is the competition for having the coolest apps. That can be fun too. Check out this popular one called Wobble:
I thought that was kinda neat when I first saw it. However, it would be naive to think that Wobbling a pig’s nose is the most common use for Wobble. If you do a search on You Tube for Wobble demos you will find the majority to be something like this:
Ug! I am not sure who to angry with. Should I be mad at Apple for approving this (and many other apps that aren’t “adult content” but objectify and sexualize women)? Probably. In their defense, it is the users of the app that choose how they use it. The app itself is not inherently indecent or inappropriate. Also, Apple has a fairly strict policy banning adult content. However, they have nothing in place that bans the blatant objectification of women.
How about I point my lazers at the app developer? Clearly the app was designed for making breasts wobble. Even their own marketing suggest it…see:
I’d say that the developers are a pretty good place to start. However, they are a business and by definition are bound by the law of supply and demand. There is a demand for this type of product, so they are supplying product to meet the demand. That is what businesses do. While it is horrible for them to profit from exploiting women, they aren’t stealing money from people. Consumers of their content are freely giving their money to the developers.
So, I guess I am angry with all of the people (the vast majority of whom are men) who purchased this app. Why can’t these men understand that every time we support a business that exploits women sexually we are reinforcing a culture that allows for violence against women to occur??? Why can’t men understand that things like this are more than just harmless fun? Wobble, combined with the hundreds of thousands of other little things embedded in our culture that objectify and sexualize women, does massive damage to women (and men for that matter). Ask any woman that has been physically or sexually assaulted. Ask any child that witnessed or experienced abuse in their home.
Most people can see that one cockroach in your house isn’t a huge deal, but having thousands of them would be horrific and unacceptable. Do you get my point? If you saw a cockroach in your home, you get out the bug spray and take care of it or you’d call an exterminator, right? But when we come across things like Wobble or an ad for Axe Body Spray or a billboard for Skyy Vodka we remain silent and right it off as no big deal. Well, it is a big deal. We have to speak up and we have to be more responsible consumers and citizens. Tell these companies to stop exploiting women. Educate men on how damaging these products are to women. Support men in our efforts to change our behavior and our culture.
ACTION STEP:
Forward a link to this blog to 5 people, particularly men. BUT – don’t treat it like any other forward. I hate those and so does everyone else I know. If ending sexism (and ultimately violence against women) is important to you, tell the people you are going to send it to that it is coming and that it is really important to you that they read it and pass it on to 5 more people. Tell them face to face or on the phone (not in an email) and let them know that you mean it. It is important that they hear your actual voice so they know this is personal to you.
We must build a critical consciousness around the root causes of violence against women in our society. This will be a giant step in the right direction. What if we could get 1,000 people to view it this week or 10, 000 by this time next month or 100,000 in a year? Think about the impact that would have. One small action on your part could be enough to tip this issue toward gender equality. I challenge you to make it happen.
Don’t let one rotten app spoil the entire bushel. Take action today!!!
Have you heard the new song by Jamie Foxx (featuring T-Pain)? It is called “Blame It”. In case you haven’t I’ve got it for you right here, along with the lyrics so you can read along:
The official video
Here are the lyrics (unofficial)
This makes me sad. I have (or had) a tremendous amount of respect for Jamie Foxx as an actor, comedian and musician. He is incredibly talented without question. It is sad to see him write a song that promotes getting a girl drunk for the purposes of having sex her. Wait…there is another way to say that. Oh yeah…a song that promotes rape. Surprised at that? I am sure Jamie Foxx would be too.
You see, I don’t believe that Jaime Foxx set out to write a song that promotes rape. I bet he still doesn’t know that he wrote a song that promotes rape. In fact, I bet if you asked him about it he would look at you like you are crazy (perhaps the same way you might look at me if I were there right now). Before you rush to judgement or dismiss my words, hear me out.
This is a case of Jamie Foxx being ignorant. Before you get it twisted, ignorant means uninformed or unaware, not stupid. I am not insulting Mr. Foxx. I am merely pointing out that he, like so many male musicians, doesn’t realize what he is actually saying in those lyrics. He doesn’t know what damage he is doing by making a song like that. I think he came up with a catchy hook and a snappy tune that would have mass appeal to the part of society that has the power to keep him relevant and profitable. I also believe he is pressured by his record label, J-Records (owned and operated by Sony Music Entertainment) to write songs that are risque and a little taboo to create a buzz around his music. Being controversial sells records. This is not diverting blame to other places. Jamie Foxx needs to be held accountable for his role in this. However, he is not the only one that needs to shoulder the blame. We also need to take a look at Sony, the radio industry, MTV, VH1, BET, Ron Howard, Jake Gyllenhall, Forest Whitaker, Samuel L. Jackson, WalMart, Target, Amazon and many others. This song is part of a much larger system designed to generate profit at the expense of, and without regard to, women and people of color.
Do you know that Foxx performed the song on American Idol in April? Do you know that American Idol is the number one rated show for children 13 and under? What message is this sending to the teens and tweens that are fans of American Idol? Just in case it isn’t clear, I will tell you. The message for boys is that it is perfectly acceptable for you to get a girl drunk and take advantage of her when she is “loosened up”. For girls, the message is that if you have too much to drink then it is your fault if you are raped. For a 13 year old (or younger) those messages are very strong and sticky. This is the age when youth are forming their attitudes and beliefs about healthy sexuality. If the message they get is that drug facilitated sexual assault is acceptable, then we have a huge problem on our hands. Songs like this reinforce promote and gender inequality.
We cannot remain silent while musicians from every genre of music crank out song after song that sexualizes, objectifies and commodifies women. We have to send a very clear message to the entertainment industry that we demand something different. We can no longer support an industry that is willing to make their money off of the backs of women. We have created a culture that supports violence against women and that must stop. It is time we build a society that values women for their intelligence, insight and wisdom rather than their sexuality and beauty. It starts with an awakening. We must start talking about these issues publicly and we must inspire others to do the same. It is our job to throw a few stones into the water and create a ripple effect.
Jamie Foxx is scheduled to appear on The Ellen DeGeneres Show on May 18. Please consider contacting Ellen DeGeneres and urge her to talk to Jamie Foxx about this song and the messages embedded in it. I don’t want her to cancel him as a guest. I would much rather see an honest discussion about the issue. While I don’t feel it is Ellen’s (or any other woman’s) responsibility to confront him, she is in an unique position to bring this issue up publicly. If you’d like to encourage Ellen to take action you can reach her on Twitter (@TheEllenShow) or through her website at http://ellen.warnerbros.com/. Sadly, Jamie Foxx has no contact information on his official website http://www.jamiefoxx.com. If you find a way to contact him, please put it in the comments or tweet it.
***If you are on Twitter, be sure to follow me @responsiblemen. Also, please use the hash tag #ignorantfoxx on any tweets related to this topic so that we can track our efforts. Thanks!
They say a picture is worth a thousand words. So I am wondering which words you would choose to describe the advertising practices of Nikon – the camera company. Take a look at some of these Nikon ads:
Sadly Nikon, like so many companies, has chosen to exploit women to sell their products. We’vecome to expect it from beer companies and the like (not that being a beer company makes it alright), but a camera company??? Seriously? I mean do they really think they are going to sell more cameras by showing “hot girl on girl action”?
I am honestly insulted that companies resort to this tactic. I consider myself to be a typical guy who like a lot of stereotypical guy things. I like football, buffalo wings, classic cars and stupid movies. However, I am smart enough to recognize that when companies use women’s sexuality to sell their products they are degrading and marginalizing women. That allows men to see women as sex objects rather than human beings. It is in that space that domestic and sexual violence exists.
I know that a lot of men who will read this will say that there is nothing wrong with “sexy”. In fact, my friend Andy said those exact words when I was encouraging him to stop buying American Apparel t-shirts. I told him about their horrible advertising practices like this:
I get that these images are intended to be arousing so that we, as men, associate that feeling wit hthat product (that sounds strange but it is true). It is about pleasure. If we associate a product with a pleasurable feeling, we are more likely to buy it. Some men can’t see past the sexual nature of these images and see the real damage they cause. In fact, this never registers with most men until a woman close to them experiences domestic or sexual violence. It is time for men to be enlightened.
Most men are good guys who believe that violence against women is wrong. They just don’t realize how violence against women comes about and why it still exists. They also don’t realize that they may be contributing to it by supporting these companies (and thousands of others), by laughing at a sexist joke, or by staring at a woman’s chest instead of her eyes during a conversation. These things seem innocent enough and are an accepted part of our culture, but this is where men must check themselves and each other. We must begin to change our culture so that these sorts of behaviors no longer go unchecked or unnoticed. If we do this, we will begin to create change. It will take time, but it will happen. It starts now…
A friend of mine named Brooke posted a quote on Twitter this morning that said “In this world of give and take, there aren’t enough people to give what it takes”. I am not sure if it is an original of hers or just one she liked, but it struck a chord with me. There aren’t enough people out there giving what it takes to create social change. With issues like Sexism, Racism, Poverty, Hate Crimes, Global Warming, Violence, etc. still dominating the social landscape, we have to take matters into our own hands to create change. So, I decided to do something about it. With almost no thought whatsoever I launched the “Give What It Takes Campaign”. It is a very simple idea. On the last day of each month pick a charity or non-profit organization or just a person that is doing some good in the world and give them a little bit of money to do what it takes to accomplish their goals. That’s it. You don’t have to give much. Give what yoiu can afford. But what you do have to do is take a moment to encourage your friends to Give What it Takes as well. If we all chip in, none of us as individuals have to bear the heavy burden of creating social change.
If you are on Twitter, tweet your donation like this:
I gave here today (URL of your charity). #givewhatittakes
You can also check out the other blog I just made. It is givewhatittakes.wordpress.com. I will try to use it to highlight some of the good work going on in the world. If you know of some and would like to see it featured, send me a URL and an explanination of why it’s important to you. I will post it on the blog.
I ran across this on Twitter and had to spread the word. Please check out this video and share it with people in your sphere of influence. This is a great way to spread gender equality on a global level.
Tonight I was on a radio show called Down Ballot. It is a political talk show hosted by 3 students from the University of Texas – one Republican, one Democrat and one Independent. I was invited to come in and talk about Responsible Men and our mission to promote gender equality. It was a fun show and I thought the hosts asked some great questions. I am very thankful to them for giving me the opportunity to come in and talk about RM and discuss gender inequality.
There was a point in the interview when Tony, the Republican of the group, stated that he didn’t feel that there was much gender inequality in our society today. From his perspective, he stated that he sees treating women differently as chivalry. I had honestly never heard anyone approach the topic from this angle. I countered by saying that chivalry is a good thing, but that there is a difference between chivalry and male privilege. He asked for clarification, but I wasn’t able to give much because the conversation was diverted by one of the other hosts. However, I wanted to give an answer to his question because it was a good one.
The easiest way I can explain the difference between being chivalrous and exercising one’s privilege as a man is by looking at a man’s motivations. Is the man being chivalrous because he is kind and thoughtful or is he chivalrous because he feels women are incapable of helping themselves and, therefore, need him? More simply put, are you holding the door for a woman because you are being polite or is it because you think she can’t or shouldn’t do it herself?
It is a fine line. I’d like to think that I am chivalrous. I believe I am kind and thoughtful. I hold doors for women (and men) and such. However. I am also aware that my chivalry can come across as sexist if I am not careful. Honestly, it is tough to walk this line as I am surrounded by very strong women (by choice) who may not appreciate the door being held for them. My solution??? I am an equal opportunity door holder. I hold doors for men and women alike. Not because I feel obligated, but because it is nice thing to do for someone. Who doesn’t like having a door held for them every once in a while?
This might seem silly to some people, but it actually takes guts for a man to hold a door for another man. Am I right men? Our socialization as men tells us that this activity is very un-masculine and will leave us open to judgment by other men. It is small things like this that keep men bonded to society’s strict gender roles. I say we should stop worrying about being judged and just be kind and thoughtful whenever the mood strikes us. It is fine to do something nice for someone, even if that someone is another man. It doesn’t make us less manly. In fact, I would argue that it make us more complete as men to develop that part of us. It feels really good to do nice things for people. We don’t have to live in a world where men can only be men if we are emotionless and silent and concerned about ourselves. We are free to be ourselves.
Chivalry is not dead by any stretch of the imagination! However, I suggest we tweak the definition to be more inclusive. I say we add that to be chivalrous is to be thoughtful, friendly, kind and courteous to everyone – not just women. And fellas – if another man holds a door for you, don’t look at him like he is a freak. Tell him that you appreciate it and do the same for someone else.
Lastly, the guys hosting the show asked what is one thing men can do to start to change male culture to create gender equality? I answered by saying that men need to start by looking at themselves (I know this is cliche – I am sure you can hear MJ singing Man in the Mirror in the background right now). Men have to try and understand how we fit into the puzzle of oppression. What role do we personally play in sexism, racism, heterosexism, homophobia and other forms of oppression? It is not enough for men to just be non-violent. All men must dig a little deeper to understand that every time we laugh at a sexist joke, buy products from companies that objectify and sexualize women in their advertising or refer to sexism and violence against women as “woman’s issues” we are contributing to the problem. Men must be intentional about checking ourselves and making the necessary changes to create gender equality. Without equality, violence will always exist. Men must step up and be agents of change and allies to women. As my friend Maria says “men and women must be co-creators of non-violent culture.” Women have been doing their part for many years. Now it is time for men to join them.
There has be a great deal of discussion of late regarding the movie Observe and Report starring Seth Rogen. In particular there has been a huge debate over one particular scene in the movie where Rogen’s character has sex with a woman who is passed out from mixing pills and alcohol. There are a couple of questions that have surfaced. 1) Is this scene portraying a rape or consensual sex? 2) Is this just harmless fun because it is in a movie and not real life?
Honestly, I haven’t seen the film to be able to make a judgement. However, I do know that by law a person cannot give consent while under the influence or drugs and/or alcohol. Therefore, this scene is portraying a rape – period. While that is terrible, it is not the reason I am writing this post. I am actually writing because of all of the reactions I have read in various “comment” sections and on message boards. Many people are taking the “it’s just a movie, get over it” approach to people who are protesting it. I am sad that more people don’t recognize that this scene is a reflection of our culture. We live in a world where it has become acceptable for men to take advantage of women in this way. Also, this film reinforces this behavior by normalizing and trivializing it. The more sexism, sexualized violence and rape are trivialized by the media and entertainment industry, the more accepted and embedded they become in our culture. People are taking the “what’s the big deal?” approach because violence against women has become part of the fabric of our culture. To them, it isn’t that big of a deal. It is normal and seemingly harmless.
All of this got me thinking about a few other things as well. First, how do all of the women who are survivors of acquaintance rape feel about this scene and about culture in general? Second, I also wondered if this scene had been about a woman (or another man for that matter) sodomizing a man who had passed out from getting too drunk, would there be a similar reaction? Would the public make statements like “that is what he gets for passing out” or “he should have known better that to put himself in that situation”? Would they even laugh? I don’t think so. I think they would be too shocked to laugh. It would be so out of the ordinary to see a man violated in that way that people would likely have very adverse reactions to it. I would also bet that there would be a great deal of discussion about how wrong it is. As it is, people aren’t shocked when they see a violent act against a woman. They aren’t shocked because it has been normalized and accepted as part of culture.
I am also astonished by the amount ov victim blaming that has surfaced in response to this film. I have heard and read a number of things that stated that any girl that drinks too much and passes out can expect bad things, like rape, to happen to her. Others have said that “what did she expect would happen?” To me, this implies that women are fair game and that men have permission to rape a women if she chose to over indulge. It also implies that men do not need to be accountable for their actions and choices. After all, rape is a choice not a foregone conclusion. It is time for society to stop blaming victims and start holding men accountable for creating and reinforcing a sexually aggressive male culture.
Now that I have OBSERVED the public reaction to this film (and other media tidbits of a similar ilk) and REPORTED the damage they cause to you, it is up to you to use your voice to speak out against them. It is easy to place blame on this film and its actors, writers, directors and producers. We could boycott the film and protest theaters that show it. We could vow to never see another Seth Rogen film. But that would be like blaming Texas for being the sole cause of Global Warming. What we really need to do is take a look at ourselves and the small ways in which all of us co-create a society that assigns women less value than men. While we are at it, lets also take a look at the ways we co-create racism, homophobia and adultism. If we ever hope to live in a peaceful world we have to address all forms of oppression. If we expect to end domestic and sexual violence we must begin to treat them as human rights issues rather than women’s issues. Most importantly, we must all work to change our culture. It starts with ourselves.
OK – I have been thinking about the ads I saw during the Superbowl. I have to admit that, for the most part, they avoided objectifying and sexualizing women. Of course there was the dynamic duo from GoDaddy that feature Indy car driver Danica Patrick that portray her, and all women in the commercials as sex objects. Those were horrific!!! Outside of that…the rest were not too bad. Nothing really jumped off the screen at me at screamed “WRITE A BLOG”. That is the good news.
The bad news is that I did find a few that were damaging in a much more subtle way. I am talking about the ones that reinforce notions about masculinity. The one that really got me was for Diet Pepsi Max called “I’m Good.” Check it out…
Funny, right? I mean who doesn’t love watching dim-witted men hurt themselves and each other? Honestly, I find it entertaining. However, I also realize that commercials like this one have a sinister side to them. Commercials like this one reinforce and further normalize the notion that men are not allowed to show weakness. To show pain or reveal the severity of an injury is to compromise your masculinity.
Of course, we do feel pain. We all have nerve endings and pain receptors that tell us when something is painful (like having a bowling ball dropped on our head). It is society that says men must hide their pain (both physical and emotional) in order to retain their masculinity. Showing emotion or pain, is considered to be feminine in our culture and therefore a threat to our patriarchal society and male privilege. To combat this, men in powerful and influential positions (CEOs, politicians, clergy, etc.) have developed a very sofisticated an interconnected mechanism to perpetuate male power, strength, toughness, and control.
One vital part of this mechanism is what some refer to as the “fake it until you make it” approach. Men in power postitions look for ways to portray men as tough, strong, unfeeling and powerful beings. The easiest place to find examples of this are in the media. In my opinion it is not a coincidence that mega corporations like Pepsi work with media giants like NBC – Universal to create commercials that portray men who never show one ounce of pain or weakness. We see these messages by the thousands on a daily basis. Can you name the last time you saw a male character in the media that did show pain or weakness? I can’t – at least not one that wasn’t making fun of that character for showing pain or weakness. When you do see a male character that shows emotions (other than anger) or that is sensitive or talks about his problems, he is either ridiculed or feminized (ex. a character that is a stereotypical or “flaming” gay man).
Seeing these messages over and over keeps men from wandering outside the social definition of normal masculinity. The men that are in power positions in society continually introduce these images of masculinity into the media as a means of maintaining the patriarchy their forefathers built. These images are intended to teach men and women that men are strong
